What Might Have Been
by JaerWolfe
Summary: The first meeting between Kaidan Alenko and Jirel Jamison from my Renegade fics.


**A/N**: This story ties in loosely with my Renegade series, specifically the characters of Kaidan Alenko and Jirel Jamison and their first meeting. On a personal note, I swear, Stacy, I am going to shoot the next plot bunny you pull out of your hat.

* * *

She watched him blatantly from across the room, her amber eyes missing little of the grace of his movements, and wondered if wanting him was courage or convenience.

Staff Commander Kaidan Alenko was a legend at Grissom Academy and watching him train with Jason Prangley showed Rel and the rest of the class exactly why. His biotic strength was unlike anyone else's she'd ever seen...he made tossing huge weights look as easy as clenching a fist. Rel couldn't do that. Her best had put her in the average range as far as biotic strength went, a mediocre feat that snarled and bit at her ambition to be the best biotic in the known galaxy.

She wanted, needed to be better than everyone else because she had dreams. They were petty dreams, vindictive dreams, but they drove her on. Someday, some way, she was going to be the best and her mother would finally understand that being biotic wasn't a curse, wasn't evil, but that having a daughter hailed as one of the best was something she should be proud of. And then Rel would turn her back on her mother, deny all but the blood between them and think of her no more.

So she had to be the best…and Staff Commander Alenko was the best. He had control. Stability. Strength. And a really fine chest with sculpted abs that made her…the woman who shunned casual touch of any kind…want to rub her cheek against, to feel that hardness under her, to smell the male scent she missed since becoming a born-again virgin after Derek's suicide.

Oh, yes, the Staff Commander made her want.

She just wasn't sure if she wanted his touch more than she wanted his training.

Of course most would consider her status as a cadet and his as a ranked superior to be too much of an obstacle to overcome. Rel simply didn't believe in obstacles. She believed in herself. In her ability to outthink anyone around her and if she wanted something, she believed in creating opportunities to help her get what she wanted. She just needed to decide what that was.

"Take lunch." The man in question called out as he tossed a towel toward the very unattractively sweating Prangley and then picked up his own. "We'll pick up on controlling a pull after you've restored some calories."

Rel watched, her attention on her peripheral vision, until her fellow group of students had trickled out of the training room leaving only a handful remaining…and the Staff Commander himself. A smile curved her lips. Oh, look. Opportunity has come knocking, she mused even as she moved toward the man, her eyes on the strong muscles of his throat as he swallowed down a chilled energy drink.

He spared her a glance, one she flattered herself to believe lingered, before turning to another student and answering the question put to him. Rel was patient. She didn't need to be the center of his attention, she didn't need to try and impress on him how interested she was in him by asking him what the Battle of the Citadel was like, as if no one else had ever thought of that same ploy before. She just needed to be the one he remembered because she wasn't like all the others.

One by one, with a style and casual friendliness that spoke to Rel of long practice, the Staff Commander sent the other students on their way until it was just the two of them standing in the middle of a room with glass walls, visible to everyone who passed by.

"Can I help you, Cadet Jamison?" He asked with a friendly enough tone, his handsome features creased with a socially polite expression.

Rel smiled. He knew her by name and that was always a good start for her. "I hope so, Commander. I watched as you braided those three ropes into one with your biotics. Can you teach me to do that?" A benign yet valid premise stated up front to ease any doubts he might have about being around a student. She needed to know how he had done that and lessons would provide time to explore…other possibilities.

The Staff Commander studied her for a long moment…long enough that even she began to doubt her approach…before finally speaking. "You already have an impressive amount of control, Cadet Jamison. Better than anyone else in your classes."

"I need more." Rel answered and was just as surprised by the thread of passion in her voice as the Staff Commander was, lifting a brow to question her silently. Pausing she regrouped. "I don't have the raw strength like Prangley. No amount of training will ever give me what I lack physically. But what I do have I plan to be able to use very well."

He was quiet again, looking down at the towel he was using to unnecessarily wipe his hands with. "I heard about your stunt with the door, when you were locked in that maintenance closet as a prank. You unlocked it from the outside."

Rel made a dismissing flick of her fingers. "Child's play."

"Really?" He tossed the towel to the side and she was suddenly the recipient of a very serious study. "So tell me why you entered the room in the first place."

As she did whenever she encountered something unexpected, Rel paused and assessed her answer. "One could say it was a compelling argument from a fellow student."

"One could say a lot of things." The Staff Commander smiled down at her. "Why don't you tell me what your reasoning was."

Another pause. This was not going as she thought it would. "I was asked to meet someone there."

"An excuse. An even more obvious setup. You are too smart not to have been suspicious, especially since they'd pulled similar stunts in the past." His brown eyes didn't leave her face. "Why did you go into that room, Cadet Jamison?"

Rel forced herself to meet those eyes, to not look away. "If I hadn't entered they would have come up with something else to do to me."

The smile broadened. "That's the answer Director Sanders accepted." He said the words with a nod and Rel felt that very uncomfortable feeling in the pit of her gut. "Now give me the truth."

Suddenly the Staff Commander was very much more attractive to Rel than he had been before…and he'd been very attractive before. She shut her physical want aside and focused her thoughts. "I'm not sure why you think I lied to Director Sanders, Staff Commander. I can say with all honestly I believe my fellow students would have set me up for something else had I not gone into that room."

The Staff Commander laughed. "Oh, you're good." He said and the words were full of admiration. "Since this is going to be a long dance of words, Cadet Jamison, walk with me."

This sensation, feeling off balance, out of control, was unfamiliar to Rel. She didn't like it. Falling into step alongside him, she considered her options and how to move the balance of power back into her own hands.

"Before you start thinking of how to spin this, Cadet, I should warn you." The Staff Commander slanted a long side glance her way. "I learned stubbornness from one of the best. You won't distract me and we will finish this conversation."

Challenge accepted, Rel mused letting no hint of the determination in her show. "They must not have been part of the military, then. The Alliance seems to both love and loathe stubbornness when it wears the blue and white."

He smiled at her, his expression saying without words that he knew she was attempting to sidetrack the conversation. "Oh, Commander Shepard is very much a part of the military. And brass has a bit of a love and loathe relationship with her. I could always tell the political soldiers from the trench soldiers with Rache around. The political soldiers hate her guts. The trench soldiers want to be her."

Rel smiled and took the opening he gave her. "You call the Commander by her first name? And in the present tense, too. I see you believe the rumors that she is still alive and simply working for a terrorist group."

He stopped in the middle of the hall and faced her. For a long moment he studied her once more and Rel had that uncomfortable feeling in her gut again. "Yes, Cadet, you are very good. Excellent attack. Not quite direct enough to be personal, just skating the edges. All of it from one name."

Oh.

Rel blinked, suddenly off her balance in the mind game she was playing with him. He was attracted to her as well. The tone of his voice, the pronounced use of her title rather than either of her names in an effort to keep her at a distance and maintain a professional detachment. The slight lean of his body toward hers, the smile on his lips that was part exasperation, part admiration and flavored with a hint of want.

Oh.

"You graduate soon, don't you?" He asked and Rel felt a streak of lust run through her.

"Yes. I came later than most to Grissom…my mother has attachment issues. I'm twenty-three." And she was babbling. Like an idiot. Rel ground her teeth against each other and ordered herself to get it together.

"Will you be joining the Alliance right away or taking a break?" He continued walking and she matched her long legs to his stride.

"I…I'm not sure." Rel said and wondered when the last time she'd uttered those words had been.

He glanced at her again, his mouth opening to say something only to think better of it and face forward once more.

Fraternization regulations. He was a superior officer and bound by the same rules she would be if she were to immediately enlist in the Alliance, but if she were to take a break, delay, there would be no risk of breaking those rules.

Possibilities opened in her thoughts and she barely comprehended all of them entering the cafeteria. Her mind was still on remote control as she ordered her lunch from the kiosk and waited alongside him for the meal to arrive on its tray.

The silence…wasn't uncomfortable and different. During her rebellious teenage years, when she'd used sex as a weapon to prove she could manipulate and control anyone around her, being with those she was interested in, not necessarily attracted to, just interested in, there had always been a tinge of contempt in her for who she was with. A sneering disdain because she was controlling them and they were too stupid or too emotional to conceive it.

She felt nothing of that with the Staff Commander. If anything, it was she who was running the risk now of being manipulated and in a perverse way that aroused her blood, made her want him even more.

"So tell me why you entered that room." The Staff Commander said motioning her to an empty table where they could sit.

Suddenly the answer to that question was weighted with more, much more than just curiosity, Rel realized and she carefully sat.

"Because by allowing them to spring their trap I could retaliate." She lifted her chin, met his gaze and honored him with the truth. "Walking into their pathetic little prank gave me the power to make the next move with limited repercussions."

He laughed. "And you already knew what your next move was going to be."

Rel allowed a sneer to curl her lips. "Bullies are the same whether they are in your family, your neighborhood or your school. They are predictable, but they can be taught. If you let them make the first move and your retaliation is worse, much worse, they will leave you alone. Bullies only like weak prey."

"And you're not weak."

This time she heard the attraction in his voice. The husky words stroking across her spine and shivering in places she hadn't known existed in her own body.

"No." She said with no little pride. "I am not weak. They learned that during the next several days of training."

"You sent each of them to the infirmary twice." The Staff Commander pointed out, not accusing, just observing.

"It took me two hours to get out of that room." Rel answered with a shrug. "They're lucky I'm very good with my biotics."

His laugh danced along her senses and she very deliberately ate her food, focusing on the taste of the savory meat rather than pondering what the taste of the man sitting across from her would be like.

"I'm not sure how much I can teach you, Jirel." He spoke after most of their meal had been consumed.

"You already have an incredible amount of control, Commander." She said without flattery, simply pointing out the truth. "So do I, but yours has become second nature. You don't think about it, you don't focus on it nearly as much as I need to. I need that edge. I need to be able to make precision movements in a much faster time frame."

He sat back in his chair, watching her. "Are you sure you know what you're asking, Jirel?"

Another loaded question and Rel took her time answering. "I need training from the best, Commander. You are the best. Someday I plan to be better than the best."

He gave another chuckle. "You don't suffer from arrogance, do you, Jirel?"

"No, I rather enjoy it, to be honest." She answered back and he rewarded her with another loud laugh.

"Gods, you remind me of her." He said once he'd calmed, the words mostly under his breath.

Rel's eyes narrowed ever so slightly. "Is that going to be a problem for you, Staff Commander?" She posed the question as a dare, lifting her chin to face him on her terms.

Emotion flickered across his face and he looked away from her for a breath, then two, before golden brown eyes returned, focusing intently on her. "No, Jirel. That won't be a problem." There was determination in his voice now.

She gave him a brilliant smile. "I prefer Rel."

* * *

The next six weeks flew in a blur. Classes during the day, training one on one during the early hours of the evening. He worked her hard, barking orders, encouragement and berating her, determined to help her achieve the level of perfection in her skills she demanded. Rarely were they alone and rarely was it a problem. Those watching would sometimes join, trying to match their skills with the Staff Commander and the Cadet but never coming close and eventually retreating to the ranks of observers once more.

He never touched her. Never spoke to her in a more personal manner outside her first name. The most intimate they had ever been was when she'd lost control and smashed a large weight against his left hip creating a small laceration and large bruise. An area that had been wounded before judging by the snarl of scar tissue she exposed bandaging him.

Rel didn't mind. This was training. This was her life's goal and ambition and more. She had made a promise to herself after Derek's emotional breakdown and suicide that she would never again be intimate with any man less than her equal. He had to match her or he was unworthy. The Staff Commander was worthy.

Besides, it made the other girls insane to be continually guessing whether or not Rel and the Staff Commander were lovers and Rel had long known that if knowledge was power she was a goddess at Grissom Academy.

One daring classmate finally worked up the courage and flat out asked if Rel was giving the Staff Commander any 'extra' training.

Rel had responded with a withering glare. "In this fishbowl known as our school, do you honestly think there is anywhere the Staff Commander and I could go for privacy?" Actually there were three different locations and seven different ruses she could use to meet him there…once her training was completed.

"But you want to, don't you?" The girl persisted and Rel narrowed her eyes further. "Or do you prefer big muscles with thick necks and thighs?" That set the group around them giggling and Rel was certain she could feel her brain cells dying.

"Thick neck usually means thick head and I don't date below my IQ level." This was the excuse she'd used several times to put off advances from her fellow students. She was thinking of adding 'stuck-up bitch' to her name to save everyone time. Maybe as a hyphenation. "So, no. You will never see me with that kind of man." Deciding the conversation needed to be done, Rel walked away with a purpose and a plan.

"Rel, hold up a minute." The man who was never far from her thoughts called out jogging up to her.

"I'm heading to my dorm room." Rel said and wondered how long it would take her to lock the door barring all intruders if she could invite him in.

"I'll walk with you." He said without hesitation and she noticed that he carried a thick duffle.

"You've been reassigned." She said and couldn't quell the disappointment.

"I'm being sent to a colony called Horizon to help install and upgrade their weaponry. Improve their protection against pirates." He said almost by rote and she favored him with a droll glance that had him laughing. "Yes, alright, it's a cover story, but you are not in the need to know loop."

"I didn't ask, Commander." She pointed out. "I don't care that you've an assignment, but I do care about being lied to."

"We have that in common, I think." He agreed as they turned down the hall toward her room. "Have you considered what you're going to do after you graduate?"

She'd spent their last few sessions of training on thinking about that and little more. "I'm going to take a break. Perhaps weigh my options before committing to the Alliance." The words were spoken with careful deliberation and she all but felt the arc of awareness spark hotter between them.

"I like that plan." He said and the words were a caress. "I'll have leave coming up after this assignment. You'll also have graduated."

Rel stopped before her door and looked at him, her height making her nearly eye to eye with him. "I know a wonderful little place on the Citadel that is very good for relaxing."

He smiled. "I'd like that." The words were husky again.

The curve of her lips might have held a bit of loony happiness but Rel didn't care as she stepped closer to him, close enough to feel the heat of his body press against her. This was the moment, she could tell. When they passed beyond master and student and further into something more equal…and interesting.

His gaze dropped to her lips and he moved closer, bending down to her.

"Hey, Rel, do you have any…" One of the girls walked out of her room, calling the question before looking up and seeing the two of them so close. "Oh. Never mind." She quickly retreated.

The moment was gone. She could feel it even as he pulled back.

"I'll message you." The Commander said taking several steps back. "We'll work out details then."

Rel nodded. "I look forward to it. Be safe, Staff Commander Alenko."

"I will." He answered and the first moment of awkwardness came between them. "Uhm, I'll…see you then."

"Yes." She agreed and he hesitated once more before turning on his heel and leaving.

Rel smiled as she watched him go…and made it a point to be seen in the hall alone by several other students, leaving the gossips wondering, before retreating once more to her solitary room.

Graduation couldn't get here fast enough.

* * *

Graduation was still two days away when she saw him again.

He looked tired and worn and distracted, all the things she would expect him to be after a mission only there was something else, too. Something new. Something she didn't understand. Her confusion grew as first one day and then another passed and he didn't try to contact her or see her.

Her confusion was cleared up during a regular newscast during the cafeteria dinner. She caught the name 'Shepard' and raised her head in time to watch footage of the famed Commander Shepard punching the dark haired reporter with the voice that grated on nerves. The reporter didn't get up and the Commander didn't give her a second glance as she walked away.

It was the first public confirmation that Commander Shepard wasn't dead. Musing over the matter, Rel wondered if she weren't one of the last to know.

She detested being the last to know.

"Cadet Jamison." His voice was polite and professional as the man haunting her thoughts and avoiding her presence stopped by her table.

Suddenly Rel didn't like Commander Shepard very much. "Hello, Commander. It's a pleasure to see you again." She infused her voice with warmth, letting him know she was very much of the same mind she had been during the flirting of their last messages back and forth.

"Actually they're promoting me, Cadet." He didn't respond to her greeting. "It will be Major and they're giving me a division. 1st Special Operations, Biotic Company."

"That's wonderful!" She gave him a genuine smile. "You deserve that!"

The smile that flirted at the corners of his mouth was ruthlessly suppressed. "It's a covert operations unit. They want me to recruit the best and brightest. The smartest."

Rel's stomach gave a funny leap, a precursor to what she thought might be dread. "Grissom Academy at graduation…wonderful timing." She deliberately didn't lead him with any questions. She didn't want to make this easy for him.

"Cadet…Rel." He finally sighed rubbing the back of his hand over his forehead. He looked away for a moment and then focused on her once more. "I know you don't have plans to join the Alliance right away. I'd like you to reconsider."

Yes, things had definitely changed, Rel mused her attention caught by the rebroadcast of Commander Shepard hitting the reporter. "I had other plans for after graduation." She murmured as if not aware those plans were now very much in the dust.

"Rel…" This time the huskiness of his voice had nothing to do with desire. "I'm sorry. Things…changed for me. On Horizon."

"You found out your old commander was still alive." Rel didn't let the words hang as a question and his silence, the misery and confusion on his face told her more than words would have. "No. You met her there."

Kaidan looked away from her. "I…Rel…"

"I don't think I mentioned it before, Major, perhaps I should have." Rel carefully bundled her disappointment and her…grief…away in her soul. She would deal with them later. "I come second to no woman in a man's affections. If I commit myself, I fully commit and I expect the man I'm with to do the same."

He gave a slow nod. "I can't give you that, Rel. I'm sorry."

"Would it help if I made sure she was permanently dead?" Rel meant the words as a joke, but they both heard the underlying thread of seriousness.

"No." He gifted her with honesty. "I really don't think it would. I thought she was dead before."

Rel considered him and respected the fact he didn't look away from her. That he'd had the courage to come face her and tell her flat out how it would be between them. "I find my plans have changed yet again, Major. I suppose as a woman I'm fickle that way."

"You are incredibly strong and a very admirable woman, Rel." There was honesty in those words, too, salving her ego a bit that perhaps walking away from her hadn't been as easy as it seemed. "You're also incredibly brilliant, quick on your feet and solid in training. That's why I want you to be my first recruit for Biotics Division."

"Ah, flattering my ego will get you nowhere, Major. I'm much better at it myself." She teased him and he laughed. "Covert ops."

"You prefer solitary to team combat, relying on no one else but yourself. I need lone wolves in my team, Rel, as much as I need team players, too." His voice was business now, determined and even the slightest bit nervous. "I need you."

"For this." She clarified, wanting the words, needing for him to say them out loud and kill any chance of a relationship they would have together.

"If you join my team, Rel, there will be nothing else." He made the slice quick but not quite painless.

She was lucky, Rel decided as she considered the alteration in her plans, her priorities. Her heart was only bruised, not broken. She could not only walk away from this, she could benefit from it. After all, being the best at Grissom Academy was getting a bit boring. If the Major was recruiting from the best, she would have a whole new group to pit herself against and make her name as the best human biotic in the galaxy.

"I accept your offer, Major Alenko." She smiled and something in her shifted, a solid feeling of not just contentment, but excitement. She wanted this. Covert ops. The best of the best.

"I'll get the paperwork done and sent to you. Be prepared to work, Rel." He smiled and then walked away from her table.

This…was a good change. Full of possibilities, Rel mused returning to her meal. Full of potential to raise the bar on her skills. Much better, she thought, to focus on the future and leave what might have been behind.


End file.
